A committee is twelve men doing the work of one. Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others. 283. Stay tuned with our weekly recap of what’s hot & cool by our CEO Boris. 154. What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Deutschlands führende Nachrichtenseite. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. I like work. George Washington said “We would have a black president when pigs fly!”… well, swine flu. God must love stupid people. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. 275. The "Iron Horse" was one of the most prolific hitters in major league history. If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap? God is God. It’s not how good your work is, it’s how well you explain it. On his greatest strength as a football player. Money talks…but all mine ever says is good-bye. I don’t have an attitude problem. 183. I'd just want to know where he was in Game 3, probably getting his jock out of the rafters in the United Center maybe.". If I’d shot you sooner, I’d be out of jail by now. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? by Zee 100. You don't know about everything. Haikus are easy. At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. 36 of the funniest sports one-liners of all time | FOX Sports Muhammad Ali, Rickey Henderson, Patrick Roy, Shaq and many more. Remember, playing any sports is necessary to remain fit & […] TNW uses cookies to personalize content and ads to Constipated people don’t give a crap. A hard thing about a business is minding your own. I’m a humble person, really. It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end. 371. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. I’m running out of places to hide the bodies. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. 10. 310. 121. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before. Vincent learned so many hustle tricks that he pulled one himself at the very end of the movie. Silence doesn’t mean your sexual performance left her speechless. 139. 228. The winner of the costume contest was the invisible man. The main problem with keeping your eye on the ball is you have to take your eye off your opponent. Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes. Grandma's been staring through the window ever since it started to snow. A friend is someone who will help you move. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Back to: Sports Jokes. The Celtics held a 110-109 lead against the Philadelphia 76ers with only five seconds left. With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. 220. Der Livestream hat eine Timeshift-Funktion zum zeitversetzten Sehen. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. 285. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one. 192. He does what GI Joe and the rest of us preaching Americans would do and gives a speech about how the world can change for peace and the betterment of mankind. 169. Many parts are funny, but as a whole it makes you squeamish because of how awkward it is. Al Pacino's speech in Any Given Sunday is one of the manliest speeches ever given. Because of his syrupy voice, if Jones told me to burn things, I would consider it because I couldn't say no to something so relaxing. Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice. This truth bomb Eddy dropped was the most memorable in the film. The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. 203. You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. Vegetarian: Native American definition for “lousy hunter”. It is the nuttiest ending to a game everyone has seen a thousand times. 343. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. 33. But even though words seem to only be a mere combination of symbols, the power of the spoken word can do things never thought imaginable. I don’t have a solution, but I do admire the problem. One sentence can make a man permanently infamous, or make him the most beloved icon of a generation. 173. What does one man do once he has taken an entire crowd that was initially against him and turned them over to his side? The secret of my success was clean living and a fast outfield. 53. But seriously, I was eight when this came out and I still remember to this day just about everyone around me yelling this quote for a good year. What if there were no hypothetical questions? Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface. 366. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. All those football coaches who hold dressing-room prayers before a game should be forced to attend church once a week. Just burned 2,000 calories. 128. 16. 93. The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you. You have a perception problem. We'd love to know a bit more about our readers. We have enough gun control. 95. 356. The human brain is a wonderful thing. “Yes” is the answer. The only difference between the people I’ve dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand. When you hear someone shout "You da man" – if he ain't shouting at Arnold Palmer, then it ain't da man. How do you prevent a Summer cold? My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 335. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture. I don’t suffer from insanity. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? One thing in the United States can mean an entirely different thing across the world. 14. Sports One Liner Jokes. He said okay, you’re ugly too. 45. (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); (1915 – 1987) American football player and coach, (1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator, (1991 – ) American actor, singer & screenwriter, Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist, (1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor, (1922 – ) American baseball player & manager, (1918 – 1995) American sports journalist & television commentator. If you go to sleep with a itching ass you will wake up with a stinking finger …. 170. 159. 190. Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them. One one-liner a day keeps the doctor away…so, here is a shortlist of the best one-liners you can find on the internet today. 34. 37. We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. 164. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked? So study hard and be evil. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals. I named my dog 6 miles so I can tell people that I walk 6 miles every single day. John Kreese in Karate Kid proves to be one of the biggest douchebags in movie history when he lets his competitive spirit get so out of control that he demands a teenage boy injure another teenage boy just for the sake of winning a trophy. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does. Do stupid things faster with more energy! 152. 57. Enjoy. Follow us on social media. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent. I think I could watch this a thousand times and still laugh to myself every time. I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila. Cole Trickle (Tom Cruise) learns the most important rule of stock car racing from Harry Hogge, played by Robert Duvall. He’s all right now. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life. 273. You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going. I’m in shape. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire. Most women don’t know where to look when they’re eating a banana. 279. I don’t have an attitude; I have a personality you can’t handle. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is. Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever. 225. 361. Q: What do you call 143 white guys chasing after one black guy? 1. 66. Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”. 197. 116. 5. If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got. This famous quote is attributed to UCLA football coach Henry Russell "Red" Sanders. 264. Shaq should have his own countdown for all of the quotable one-liners he has to himself, but I picked this one as my personal favorite, just because the amount of times over the years he rips on Erick Dampier. 256. For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction. When Allen Iverson went on his famous rant about practice, he probably had no idea that it would blossom into such a cult phenomenon that it would spawn its own rap remix. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. 157. It's up to God and the referee now. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
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